My biggest and my littlest babies. One is just days old, one tuned fourteen at 11.57 today.

It's hard to believe that I have been a mummy for fourteen years. It sounds like so long, but it seems like only yesterday that Taylor was as tiny as her little brother.

Happy birthday princess, I love you more each and every day xxx

My gorgeous little baby boy, Cooper Jack.

He was born yesterday morning at about 7.20am and weighed 8 pound 4 ounces. He is such a sweetie, slept straight through his first night and I have hardly heard a peep out of him. I am so, so in love, I can’t stop smelling him and staring at him and rubbing his soft little cheeks!

Isn’t he adorable!!

So, the labour story… it was quick, really quick… so quick that I gave birth to him, myself, AT HOME! I was just about to leave for hospital when my waters broke and I realized that I had left it a little late. I yelled out for someone to call an ambulance, then gave one huge push, and he was born straight into my jamas! We had to search around in my pjama bottoms a bit to find him and we were all laughing and crying and it was actually unbelievably awesome.

The kiddies were all shocked and amazed and totally in awe – every single one of them was speechless! They were great little helpers and ran around trying to find clean towels and warm blankets and once the ambo’s arrived Joshy even got to cut the cord!.

Little Cooper is absolutely perfect and we are all very happy and very much in love

E xx

The bug: I spent the weekend with a nasty tummy bug. Gross. Sooked and woossed and carried on because I felt so crappy and then it was gone. Good riddance! Not for long though because now Chloe has it the poor thing.

The belly: Taylor took some pics for me this morning @ 38wks 5 days. I feel surprisingly well for full term which is such a blessing.

The bassinet: How cute is this! I can hardly believe that I will be tucking a tiny little baby in here very soon. Wow!

E xx

Wow, what a month! As well as moving house and preparing for the impending birth of my little bub, I have been super busy making these little babies…

I started making a few for McKenna’s hair and then fell in love with them , so my little production line multiplied and now I am going to try selling them on Etsy and eBay and at the local market – click on either of the links if you would like more info or would like to purchase some. I don’t want to plug them here over and over but i'm really proud of them and love how they have turned out, hopefully you will too :)

Only SIX DAYS to go until the baby arrives, I know I should be an expert at labour by now but I am absolutely terrified! I am really dreading it, and having nightmares about it, but we are all so ready to meet this little one. I know deep in my heart that once I am holding him in my arms nothing else in the world will matter.

E xx

This past month or so has been absolutely mammoth for the kids and I. The whole past year has actually, it's amazing how much can actually happen in twelve months. Good and bad. Happy and sad. This post is going to be mammoth too. I want to get some stuff down, to get it off my heart and out of my head, to have it here for my own record.

I'm not sure how much I want to share about what went wrong. I guess in a lot of ways i'm still not sure myself. What I do know is that I went from being a strong, confident, 'don't mess with me' kind of girl to a blubbering, sooky, soppy mess in a matter of months.

My relationship was amazing in so many ways and I was truly in love for the first time in my life. But some things just weren't right. And never would be right. Although I loved him with all my heart, some things you just can't ignore, no matter how hard you try to bury your head in the sand. I was, isolated, unbelievably alone and being dominated, demoralised and controlled at every turn.

I knew that I had to leave, I wanted to leave, I just couldn't do it, and it was totally overwhelming. Having no where to go, uprooting the kids again, dreading life without him, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, no guts, no self esteem. It was horrible and gave me the worst anxiety and panic attacks, worse than I thought possible. I know it sounds pathetic but it was true, I literally felt imobilised. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I was vomiting constantly just from the stress and the confusion - things were too good to go, and too bad to stay.

Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and I was an emotional wreck. There was so much to do, so much confusion, so many overwhelming things to work out and no friggen idea how to do any of them. Canberra was the obvious place to go - I never thought I would move back there but I desperately needed to be with my family and friends and the kids all wanted to come back 'home'.

So we started packing, and my heart broke even more with every item that was placed in a box. The kids were excited and actually happy and an amazing help, but I have never felt more alone. I had no one, no one, and I was so mentally and physically exhausted and the anxiety was worse than ever. I had to pack everything I owned, even though I had no way of getting it anywhere, get the kids organised, get in the car and drive thousands of k's across the country with six children and no idea what we would do once we arrived - no wonder I was freaking out so much!

My absolutele lifesaver was Miss Tammy Templeton. Although I barely knew her, I phoned her up, told her what was going on and she came straight over. She helped me pack, she helped me with the kids, and she not only stayed the night - she stayed UP all night with me, listening to me, caring for me and supporting me. I could not have made it through without you Tammy. I would have folded and broken like the last time and who knows where I would be now? You have a heart of gold and I will never forget it.

In the end, it was obvious that I wasn't coping and that things weren't going to get better anytime soon. As it was a Sunday, there were no doctors open so I ended up going in to the emergency department and begging for help. They were awesome. They gave me some meds so I could get some sleep and try and control the anxiety, and they helped me to realise that I wouldn't physically be able to drive all that way home by myself. So I rang and booked a flight, we loaded up everything we could fit in our bags, got on the plane and we came home.

Home to my dad, who gives me so much strength with one hug that it makes me cry just thinking about it. Home to my amazing friends, who I am so blessed to have. There were about 15 people that met us at the airport and it was so overwhelming to finally be home. I still felt weak and dead inside and unbelievably heartbroken but having love, encouragement and support from those who really love you goes a long way to healing a broken heart.

So that's it. We are 'home'. Whatever that word means now anyway. We have moved so many times over the past few years that I don't even know where home is. The kids are happy to be here, they have a LOT of family here, cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles and after being away so long it's nice for them to be close again. Those poor guys have been through so much, none of it their fault and none of it fair on them in any way. Yet they continue to be so loving, and so giving, adapting quickly to a new environment. So many changes for them in such a short time... they really are amazing kids.

Emotionally, i'm doing OK. I have worked through a lot of shit in the past few weeks, with the help of a counsellor, and I am beggining to feel stronger and happier and more like myself. We've been staying with my girlfriend on her property and it's been such a haven, like a little hideaway where I could wallow in misery for a while and forget about the rest of the world. The last few weeks has been spent getting my 'crap' together, getting my head straight, making arrangements and madly saving money, and we are almost there.

Soon we will be moving into Canberra, getting a little (damn Canberra is expensive!) place of our own, and starting all over again. I'm nervous, i'm scared, but i'm also kinda looking forward to it. I would rather be happy on my own than unhappy with someone else and I know the yukky part of this journey will soon be over. And I have learnt a lot, not all of it pleasant, about strengths and weaknesses, about endings and begginings...

* That it costs a hell of a lot of money to move in a hurry - so far we are at $3000 and still counting

* That the saying 'too good to be true' was unfortunately true in my case

* That I will never, ever give away my heart and soul again. I'll share them, maybe, but I will never make the mistake again of handing over something so precious. No, i'm not bitter - just wiser.

* That I am stronger than what I thought and what I gave myself credit for. It took me years to leave an unhappy marraige, but it only took me only weeks to leave Wayne. Next guy that decides to 'F' with me or my children in anyway will be lucky to get five minutes.

* That I have an asshole magnet attached to me somewhere...

* That my family and friends are worth their weight in gold and I am so blessed to have them

* That you have got to listen to that voice inside you that tells you the truth. It's quiet and steady and certain of it's rightness because it comes from a deep part of you, the part of you that simply knows

* That it's OK to ask for help, and even better to get it

* That it's 'better to have loved and lost'... blah blah blah. Inititally I wished I had never met him, that I could turn back time, but each experience helps mould who we are - and who we want to be.

* That happiness is number one - mine and the kids. I am well aware of the situation we are now in...emotionally, financially, socially... yeah I know...I get it. I know I will be judged, I know how things look and how things are. But that is and always will be secondary to happiness. And sanity. The 'haters' will continue to hate me, the 'lovers' will continue to support me and be there for me, and I will keep reminding myself that I just did a very brave thing. And that I have to hang in there and be brave a little longer.

E xx

Thankyou so much for all the beautiful and supportive comments on my last post, each and every word of encouragement and kindness made such a difference. Thankyou thankyou thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

I took a long break from blogging for many reasons - one of which being the pathetic bitching, backstabbing, whinging and negativity that seemed to have the online scrapbooking community by the throat for a while there. It made me extrememly nervous about sharing any part of my life but from now on I couldn't really give a shit. Anyone that has anything negative to say can get 'effed', and I won't excuse the french because you deserve no less. I will blog what I want, when I want and how I want - full stop. Moving on.

There are a billion and one things going on here at the moment so I will be back with a proper post when I get a chance. Just wanted to pop in and say THANKYOU, and also to let you know that my contact details have all changed. My email addy for the next few weeks will be  ericarobinson@optusnet.com.au - if you have emailed to the bigpond address lately I won't have received it so please send it through again to the new addy. My home and mobile details have also changed so drop me an email if you want the new ones.

Be back soon

E xx

The pain is indescribable. As amazing and mindblowing as falling in love feels, falling out of it is just as intense but in all the wrong ways. Happiness and joy and elation turns to sadness and loneliness and fear and anger. I have never, ever loved anyone like this before, and I have never, ever felt a loss like this before.

My heart feels like these feelings will go on forever, that the pain will never go away, but my head knows that it will. Although I feel emotionally bankrupt at the moment, I know that it's all a process and that things will improve in time. I just need to get my mind on my side rather than having it keep me up at night.

I'm taking the time out to grieve, to take care of myself and my kiddies, and to concentrate on all that's good in my life. I'm also spending a lot of time thinking about, bonding with and feeling grateful for the innocent little life growing inside of me. This baby boy will be loved and adored with all of my heart and it's up to me to make sure my heart is healed before his arrival.

I have no idea why my life has taken this path, why something so special came into my life and then left again almost as quickly. Should I feel grateful and appreciative to have known such happiness even for a short time? Should I feel bitter and angry for having a taste of something and then having to learn to live without it? I'm so confused and hurt at the moment that it's difficult to even think straight.

Just a quick post to let you know that we are all safe and well.

Life has been beyond fantastic. After such a tumultuous (dunno if that's even a word??!) start to the year where I thought my world was coming to an end it is amazing to look back and see that it was only just beggining. I don't think I have ever been happier in my entire life, the kiddies are all healthy and happy and loving SA (huge relief!), I am loved and in love (best feeling ever ever ever!!!) and everything has just fallen into place. I'm not a religious person but sometimes you just have to sit back and wonder about the bigger picture, that maybe there is a plan for us and things do happen for a reason. Be it god, fate or just damned good luck I am grateful either way!!

Merry Christmas everyone!

E xx